Do they Know?

  Last week there was a tragedy that fell upon my little neighborhood in Chaska.  On April 1st, our neighbor's son, Zack, died in a tragic car accident.  At first, I thought this was a cruel April Fool's Day joke played by his brother, Ben but then I realized that would have been a joke Zack would have pulled.  As the reality that I would never joke with this young man of 24, began to settle in, I realized, did Zack REALLY know that I cared?

  I had watched him grow up, he turned 13 the summer he moved in.  The charming little shit with the sparkling hazel eyes.  Zack got into trouble frequently, but his ability to always be charming made it easy to forget and forgive all of his screw ups.  I'm sure he had an idea that the mom next door cared, but I never told him. There would be times when I would see him and we would sit on his front steps and talk, usually about nothing in particular, but it didn't have to be anything particular, he was just a great kid to converse with.  Sometimes it would be about life and his struggles, others about the string of girls who passed in and out of his life.  (You see, Zack was quite a ladies man, starting pretty early in his life) Mostly, it was just "shooting the shit", and "shooting the shit" was always interesting when you talked with Zack

   The next morning, I sent a message to Zack's older brother, "I just wanted to send you a quick note.  I know this is such a hard time, and my heart is breaking for you.  We watched  you and Zack grow up and in our hearts you are family.  Just know that even though I've never said it, I love the 2 of you deeply, like you're my family.  If you EVER need anything, don't hesitate to be in touch.  I always have cold beer in the fridge, Jack in the cupboard, and a warm hug."  I'm glad Ben knows, but I wish that Zack would have really known...

   I know that I will miss him, I know that I will miss shaking my head when hearing Zack's latest stories, but mostly, I will miss the soul of who Zack really was as a person, and I know I'm not the only one.

  Do the people who are important to you and your life, do they know?  It's not unusual for me to end my phone calls with friends with "I love you", because I do.  I don't say it with my straight guy friends enough.  My gay friends, do hear it, but why shouldn't I say it to my straight guys?  Yeah, I know, women don't like hearing that someone else loves their guys, but shouldn't everyone know how you feel about them?  I grew up in a world of guy friends, they're important to me.

   Just 8 days before Zack died, I took a leap and told someone how much they meant to my life; how everything has been effected by meeting them in college, and without that relationship, everything would have been completely different.  I had wanted to say something since graduating from Grand Valley, but never found the right time.  For my own personal reason, March 24th was the right time. If something happens with one of us, at least this person will know how deeply I care.  Would circumstances in my life be different if I could have faced up with my feelings then?  I don't know.  I don't think I would trade the life I have now for anything.  But at least he knows.  And yes, in case you didn't guess, this person was really my first love, and I was always too afraid to tell him.

   Who do you care about, and have never truly shared that fact with them?  Maybe it's the person who you joke with at Caribou for years, or your neighbor, or your first love.  My kids and my husband know that my world revolves around them, but there are so many others who have no idea that they brighten my life.  If you're one of them, don't be surprised if I tell you what I feel about you.  I want you to know.